Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.

~every 18 year old.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

professor x: what’s your super power

owl: terrible memory

professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?

owl: who

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections