This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
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Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Chemical wingman
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans