ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Well well well…
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.