Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spins a web.

Any size.

Catches thieves.

Just like flies.

He waits.

The thieves come.

The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.

He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.

Look out.

Here comes the Spider-Man.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend

*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?

One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Monday: forearms

Wednesday: forearms

Friday: forearms

Sunday: forearms

–Popeye’s gym schedule

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….

So now I know why zombies walk like they do.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals

Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –

Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*

[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang