ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
