ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary