Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

Good morning, Twitter x

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR