ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.