ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Noah was an idiot.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My Plans 2020
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
imagine u running from the police at night and yo sketchers start lighting up
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
