Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:

🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”