Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.