@leannuh

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

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@ClichedOut

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

@KeetPotato

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

@supershayne

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

@berniethoughts

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

@ValeeGrrl

Oh you spent $8K to take your kids to Disney? My son watched the garbage truck empty our trash 20 minutes ago and he’s still talking about it

@JanelSantaCruz

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.