Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
You’re allowed to steal shit from the mall. The security guards don’t care. They’re there to shoot the mannequins if they come to life.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
“No Karen I don’t want to see pics of your ugly kids & stupid cats” or as I usually say: “Awww how cute”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”