Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.