Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

The French cow says MEUX…

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?