Alexa: *deep breath*
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*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.