Alexa: *deep breath*
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My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault