Alexa: *deep breath*
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I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.