Alexa: *deep breath*
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.