Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Pot warmers of the day.

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.

Me: OK

5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!

Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*

5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.

Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.