Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

smh

*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Is this your 1st video conference call?

*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm no

So you’re aware we can see you?

*Cough* what *cough*

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.