Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
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Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
hi why am I like this
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.
Got ya covered
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”