Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

a fate I wish upon no one

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.

Wife: You should shake it out.

Me: Why would I want to do that?

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing