Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
No Google it does not
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.