Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
More like Kate Missington.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Safety first
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before