Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Feel. He’s so soft.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
January has been Januweary