Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Breaking news:
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories