Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
i smell a pulitzer
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Probably my best painting.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.