Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.