Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.