Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
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I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit