Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

won’t smith

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.