alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
