Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..