Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
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I love you to the refrigerator and back
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion