Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
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#oldknees
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.