“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
You Might Also Like
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Bond. Trauma bond.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.