“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
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One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Every damn time
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.