Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

my proudest tweet

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?

Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.