Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
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ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Many hands make light work
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.