Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
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[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?