Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

No, he would not have.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.

9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*

Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

Lmao

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.