Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

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[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*

*Remind you to drink water.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

dutch is not a serious language

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

God tier horse name today on the sims

[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.