“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.