Alexa; make it look like an accident
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“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
For real 🤣
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.