Alexa; make it look like an accident
You Might Also Like
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.