Alexa, make me look good naked.
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It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus