Alexa, make me look good naked.
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yeet
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole