Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

Smells like a challenge to me

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.