Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Blocked: 1985
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“I’m gonna leave the study room for a couple hours.”
“So another patron can use it?”
“No, my stuff’s in there.”
“So you’re not using it.”
“I am using it. For my stuff.”
“The rooms are for people, not stuff.”
“My stuff is an extension of me.”
“I should have gone to law school.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.