Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Received some very disappointing news today
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”