Alexa, make out with the Roomba
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.