Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂