Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
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Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.