“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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Watermelon Boss!
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars