“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!