Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR