Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

philosophical skeletons be like

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

The struggle is real