Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

ㅤ

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.

#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64