Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

Another day, another…goddammit

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

Cop: Open the trunk please

Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for that

Cop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

What flavor cupcake are these

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.