Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?