Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.