Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed