Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
You Might Also Like
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
yeet
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
lmao
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.