Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
You Might Also Like
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.