Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
United Steaks of America
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
It’s on my to-do list.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.