Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.