Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch