Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.