Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?

ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.

6. me as a lawyer

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

Anakin: I built my droid from scratch

Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life

Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

men are simple creatures

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.