Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Worth remembering.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.