Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling