“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You Might Also Like
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
my mom making me talk to relatives
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”