“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
You Might Also Like
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
4 calling birds sounds like a nightmare, I don’t want phone calls from 1 bird, much less 4.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
